10102020 JPMorgan-Fine

In this Aug. 16, 2019, photo, the logo for JPMorgan Chase & Co. appears above a trading post on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange in New York. JPMorgan Chase admitted Tuesday, Sept. 29, 2020 to manipulating the markets for precious metals and U.S. Treasuries, agreeing to pay $920 million in fines and penalties for the illegal behavior.

By David Kittredge

JPMorgan Chase finance company was recently found guilty of spoofing its clients. JPMorgan Chase, the largest bank in America, admitted to the wrongdoing and agreed to pay a $900 million fine.

Spoofing is a practice in which financial traders try to manipulate the market by placing large fictitious orders to buy or sell stocks, bonds, or futures to affect the direction of a Wall Street commodity, by luring other investors to buy or sell to reach the spoofer’s intended goal.

Before I knew what was actually meant by the term spoofing, I immediately thought, “Dang, that sounds like fun.” If I were of the criminal mind, this is the realm of malfeasance that I would entertain, spoofing for fun and profit. As a venerable spoofer, with a license to jest, I could offer my services to those downtrodden individuals or groups of individuals, including nations who desire retribution for harms they have received.

I would name my criminal enterprise S.P.O.O.F., an acronym standing for “Silly Pranks On Oblivious Folks.” Catchy, no? Well anyhow, SPOOF would be an organization committed to low crimes and misdemeanors, displayed with an air of humor.

My criminal enterprise SPOOF might have a division known as the spoofers and poofers, who would be mild mannered hairdressers or barbers, poofing hair by day and then caper-loving agents of mild-mannered retribution by night. The hair coifing trade has been chosen for their ability to monitor their client’s needs and wants outside of the clip shop, while engaging in the usual banter common in the barbershops and salons across the country, while keeping an ear out for wrongs to be righted. And just so no one feels left out the hairstylists on the opposite end of the poofing scale, the de-poofers would too been included into our little band of vengeance seekers. I would imagine that the poofers would be given offensive tasks, while the de-poofers would be there to de-escalate potential problems.

I think that this band of miscreants should actually wear capes, or cloaks, a long overlooked bit of clothing that should be brought back to the forefront of haute culture. It would seem that wearing a cape would give one the mindset of daring do, that might be considered strange or even abnormal, by regular well-adjusted folks. But, while wearing a cloak, a potential tool of the highest melodrama, one could make glorious entrances or exits as the cape is levitated by a body’s twirling motions, for dramatic effect.

I propose that all SPOOF members should don black Converse All Star high-top fast attacks, otherwise known as sneakers to the general populace. This lightweight foot apparel would provide the stealth and speed needed to carry out our covert missions much like the gumshoe detectives in the dime store novels of yesteryear.

SPOOF’s gadgetry research and development division would oversee the creation of non-lethal gizmos and doodahs becoming of any international Dudley Do-Right, chin thrusted operative. Our latest endeavors have been awarded with a lightweight but powerful toilet roll dispenser, which started out as a human cannon ball gun. Due to unseen forces and our re-introduced colloquial cloak outerwear, our chosen human projectiles, whilst flying through the air with the greatest of ease, looking much like the flying squirrel of cartoon fame, always met face to face, or perhaps better said, face to earth with the harsh reality of universal physics upon re-entry. With much chagrin the human cannon ball gun was downsized to accommodate rolls of Charmin ultra-strong only, but with resounding results.

So, if you awake some morning with news of a foreign embassy in Washington, D.C. having been TP-ed overnight, you can be rest assured that the perpetrator was an agent of SPOOF, carrying out a covert act of over the counter, counter espionage. This low crime and misdemeanor would be classified as an over the counter, counter espionage operation because you have to actually purchase the paper intended missiles, using cash, of course, and never a credit card unless you want to leave an incriminating virtual paper trail, when all you really want to do is leave a literal paper trail.

A word to the wise here; TP-ing a house or yard is a law-breaking activity, boys and girls. You and your parents could end up in court with fines resulting, Halloween or not. The least that could happen is that trick or treaters could be deprived of their extorted, ill-gotten gains of candy, and we must all remember that Christmas is just around the corner, coming a mere eight weeks after All Hallows Eve.

You might think harshly of me in my Dudley Do-Right, chin thrusted description of masked intruders, preying upon innocent homeowners, by posing the question, “Trick or Treat?” Hey, you don’t leave us much choice, do you? And then even if you’re given a treat, which might be candy corn or a “fun sized” candy bar, you know the measly miniatures, we as homeowners might still come under scrutiny. It’s nerve wracking.

But I say, go ahead and TP, my house, it would save me a trip to the grocery store. Please, just be sure to use the Charmin ultra-strong and remember, I have managed to wrangle a license to jest.

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